The hiatus is over. I had to go through a few major transitions the last month which left me very vulnerable and I decided it would be better for me to deal with things a bit before writing.
I have a very good friend who has told me not to "list" the events that have happened the last 5 years because it gives me no power and to let them go she say they keep me trapped in the past and leaves me now room for good to enter in.
I am obsessive compulsive and lists and counting is what I do best, but she is indeed correct about this so THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM GOING TO LIST EVERYTHING!!
I am going to to blog about some of the events in the list and once I do that I am releasing it out of the prison that is my mind
so here is the TIME LINE
January 23rd 2006 - My mom enters the hospital for the last time
April 22nd 2006- My mother passes away
May 2006- My brother who has Chrons disease and MS falls in his walker and injures his knee and will never walk again
April 2007- Dad is diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer
May 2007- We took out 2 year old dog into get fixed he died 7 days later of liver failure
August 2007- Dad does not respond well to Chemo and almost dies
September 2007- I find a breeder of Bernese Mountain Dogs in Nova Scotia and we find our awesome Deogi he came home in October - YEAH!!
January 2008- Dad finds out that there is a cancerous tumor on his lung and needs surgery
April 2008- I lose my job that I dearly loved after 9 years
September 2008- I open Morrigan LeFay's Mystical Gift
October 31st - 2008- Ray and I renew our vows with friends- YEAH
January 2009 - My friend Lynda dies after a year struggle with Breast Cancer, she is 35
2009- Dad sells the family home and moves to an apartment.
April 2009- My favorite cat in the world Lestat dies in Ray's arms. I did not make it in time to say good bye...I arrive at the vets and he is gone
October 31st 2009- My friend Dale dies of cancer at the age of 38 leaving behind a wife and small child.
January 2010-May 2010- After a tough year of running the business we decide to put our house up for sale, this is one of the most stressful things we have done...In this process 3 of our 4 cats die due to the stress and old age. ALL died of kidney failure.. the were Poopie -13 , Pippy - 14 and Frodo- 18.
May 3rd 2010 - Our remaining cat Mogwai has a new baby brother Dexter 1/2 Himalayan and 1/2 Ragdoll..this cat I fall in love with- YEAH
December 2010- Due to financial stress , I have to get a job at Wal*Mart to help support the house. between Ray and I we now have 5 jobs between us and still can't seem to get on top of things
January 2011- Ray's full time salaried job goes part time by the hour after 11 years of employment
June 2011 - Ray finds out his employer has not made payments on his van and it is impounded..we have 5 jobs and one vehicle and no bus service!
June 2011 - Fathers Day - Ray is in a car accident 10 minutes from home and requires 5 staples to the head, has a minor concussion and bruising.
June 2011- Dad rescues us and gives us his car! YEAH
June 17th 2011 - I close the business
I have been told that there is a certain number of stress points that are "awarded" to events in your life. And that the more points that you accumulate the more likely you are to have a nervous break down and or go into a bad depression.
The top 3 are :
Loss of a parent/child or partner
Loss of a career
Loss of home
We have had all 3 in 4 years.
Suffering from depression is hard enough but when life throws you a cluster fuck like this it is hard to see the light of day most of the time.
I survive on my humor and with the help of my friends and family and of course my lover food!
I may add that during all of this I might have not gotten up out of bed due to depression two times. The rest of the time I was fully functioning. Ray is a driving force and in some ways I am glad that he does not fully understand depression . He does not allow me to wallow in it most of the time...he makes me move , he gets me up and going and at some times I am totally pissed that he will not leave me alone but in actuality he is one of those angels that picks you up and helps you move forward. If I did not have Ray or lived on my own I dare say I would be a much different person. I may actually not be here at all.
We all have dark moments , but the years can take it's toll. This year I actually had to pull the car over and stop myself from hitting a tree at 80km an hour crying trying to figure out a way to get out of debt and get on top of things again (when we figure that one out I will let you know) Things become too much and you can't see a foot in front of your face. It is ironic that Ray's accident was clocked at 80 kms/hr .
Ray's accident did not register with me until last week. I had to get through closing the store and protecting myself from negative issues surrounding that. I had to glide through life on neutral and move forward. The night we closed the store we made a few unfortunate discoveries ....I totally shut down and honestly after 5pm couldn't tell you what happened other than it was quick and done.
A few of us went for a bite to eat after we unloaded the jewellery cases and I could not find the restaurant , it was less than a block away..it took me 20 minuets to get there.
Life is not perfect and we all have issues to deal with. The one thing I am tired of doing is reinventing myself yearly. I would love to glide through a year with a "wow that was uneventful" kind of feeling...... I don't do drama but what if drama does you?
There have also been a lot of good things that have happened too, don't get me wrong, but we get stuck in the "bad stuff" . My father once told me that it takes 100 positive comments to counter one negative comment...So how many positive events does it take to counter a negative event?
Is it any wonder I hate country music- if I played it backwards do I get it all back OR do I keep going forward and allow myself to be shaped by these events and honor them for the growth they have allowed me to achieve and the joy of knowing I have the support of a loving, awesome husband, a great family and very gifted friends.............
