On Tuesday I celebrate my 42 birthday..yes I become the answer to the universes(Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reference) but a birthday isn't the same without the ones who brought you here.
Ray and I were eating lunch yesterday and I all of a sudden started to cry...He asked what was wrong and I told him I wanted to talk to mom...not about anything in particular just about nothing really. I was thinking about my birthday which lead me to think of her special cake ( she only really baked at Christmas and our Birthdays) and how it has been years since I have had her chocolaty love in my belly...She was even too sick the last few years when she was alive to bake.
Mom always said my birthday was the hottest day of the year...and up until she died that was true..now it does not seem quite so hot as it did years before.
She said I had parades and fireworks (because of crappy weather natal day Fireworks were sometimes on my Birthday)
And in later years the Buskers started on my Birthday as well... Us Leo's have a way of making a Birthday into a week long event usually with no less than 3 cakes.... and titles such as Rhondapolozza
We spent may a year in PEI on my Birthday..Mom would bake a cake and bring it with us or bake it when we got back. We would go to Fairyland , Rainbow haven as I grew older and then dad, as I grew older still would take me trail rides with horses.. This was always my highlight as a pre teen and teenager. I love to ride a horse.
I am about to tell you about my moms death..this is actually written for me to get out feelings and emotions that have been bottled up for years...So here it goes!
In January of 2006 my mother called me out of the blue and said "remember I promised you I would buy you a necklace from Sajen Offerings. they are having a sale pick one out and I'll put it away for your birthday! I picked a turquoise Goddess in a half moon with on blue topaz tear drop. Of all the choices, this strangely appealed to me though I do not wear a lot of blue.It was also this conversation where I knew my mother would not be alive on my Birthday.
My mother NEVER did 2 things A) plan events far ahead , her point was "We could all be dead by tomorrow , ask me tomorrow" and B) she NEVER promised us anything in case she could not follow through..with that phone call she broke both of cardinal her rules in one sentence. I remember getting off the phone and crying and telling Ray, she was going to pass away this year.
On the evening of January 23rd 2006 my mom entered the hospital for the last time. She was not doing badly at the beginning but a new doctor had changed a few of her medications and she was not reacting well at all.
My mom had a very rare disease called PBC . An autoimmune disease.
While in the hospital my mother contracted MRSA the super virus. A fungus on her heart and Dysentery .We had to gown up wear gloves and masks to visit her. This was aful to not be able to have physical contact with her and not being able to hold her hand without gloves on not being able to kiss her on the cheek good-bye..After some time I gave up on the gloves and mask and just wore the gown..
She had three massive hemorrhages losing nearly all the blood in her body, she ended up in ICU the first two times... This is one of the strangest places I've been. The care is really good . ICU is set up like a pod with the nurses in the middle and rooms in every direction around the nurses station. Some are open and some are glassed in..because of the MRSA , moms was glassed in.
The first bleed out- I went in after work and was scared...very scared... I gowned up in an outer room and then walked in. I was not prepared for what I saw. Mom looked like my grandmother she had literally aged 30 years in a day. Her arms were outstretched to me and she was crying (I think one of the only times I had seen her cry in my life ) She looked like a child ..and in a way now she was at this moment the roles reversed and I became a care-giver to my mom. she spoke and said "I have never been happier to see purple hair in all my life".The spark had totally left her eyes. She was now counting down time. We visited for awhile and I went home and promptly coloured my hair to red and black...I did not colour it back to purple until last summer!!
I quit everything to be with my mom. I stopped training in Jujitsu, something I had done for 14 years . I stopped Belly Dancing and just was there every moment I could be for her. I worked , I went to the hospital , I came home and cried and repeated every day day for months. My brother started to refer to me as Ruby Gloom. My sister flew in a few times to see her and we were all so glad that they had a chance to meet and get to know mom when she was somewhat healthy. Dad was at the hospital 2 times a day. and I was there every night.
About this time a girl started working at my place of employment from Germany. Her name was Anna Vopel. Her and her boyfriend traveled (and still do) from country to country for experiences and have a TV show back in Germany. Why is it import I mention her? Because she was an angel sent to me a week before my mom went into the hospital and left Lotus (my place of employment ) two weeks after my mom passed away.. This girl was sent to give me joy and laughter and see the good in all, in the darkest time of my life. I don't know if she knows this..I had told her in the past she was my angel..I truly believe she was sent to aid me in this time of need. If it were not for her, Ray and Margo my dad and my psychiatrist ..I would not have made it through . I have not seen Anna since , but due to the internet and the dreaded (lol) facebook we are still in contact.
Around this time as well I started to see 1:11 and 11:11 EVERYWHERE. it became sort of a joke. I would look at the piece of gym equipment I was on and it would read 1:11 or 11:11. I would wake up at these times. I would glance at a clock at these time. My change would be these amounts. The amount of gas I put in the car ..I felt as if there was something with me when I saw these numbers... They still crop up and when they do I ask if I am in need of anything or check in to see if I am overly stressed out.
Margo our roommate at the time would come with me to the hospital a lot. She was there as support and also for my mom and I as comic relief . We would chat awhile and then go home. Margo was also someone who lifted me and kept an eye on me through this. I also had a fantastic psychiatrist whose specialty was dealing with terminally ill people. She was a great help
In all of this chaos I decided to join Simply For Life and lose weight (????) I know really. BUT for a while it worked. I realized afterwords and when I gained the 65lbs back from this period of time that food was the ONLY thing I could control in my life. everything else was spinning out of control and out of our hands.. Cooking took my mind off of mom and so did Sudoku puzzles..I started them at this time too , to rest my mind from reality.
If you ever wondered if dying is easy . I can honestly tell you it is the hardest job you will have unless by some divine intervention you are taken out by the blink of an eye. I honestly do not suggest illness. It sucks and is unbearable to watch someone you love go through. Though the blink of an eyes leaves you with shock and disbelief.
During our visits we would talk about a lot of different things. Mom started watching curling matches and was still fighting desperately to stay attached to this world.
Her second bleed out was really bad. She actually should have passed away but the fought to bring her back. she remembered hearing dad say "don't you die on me" and she fought Dad says it was a doctor that must have said it, because it was not him. Back in ICU again. Ray and I arrived in the room and I went to dad and stared balling in his arms, he was crying too.... Ray looked on lending support where he could. we were all just standing there , mom had a mask on her face and looked at us. She was barely able to speak she motioned for me to come over and said..why do you all look like a bunch of buzzards hanging around me. We started to laugh . This time in ICU was different. I went in to speak to her and she was now aware she was not going to live long BUT was not done fighting. I talked to her holding her hand one day and ask if she was able could she be one of my guardians. She said she assumed by being one of my parents that it was a given and that she would be around me ..if that was the way it worked. We cried together and I went home.
The big decision came as to whether or not she should get the feeding tube in ..it was a nightmare roller coaster, but one doctor convinced us that with nutrition they could bring her strength back , get her eating and get her home...there was a light at the end of the tunnel ..this marked the last 13 days and a very bad decision.
What we were not told..The tube jams, plugs and crimps, having to be removed and replace, not a fun job when you also have esophageal varices. The doctors told us to get her to eat , here is the thing when you are dying food actually hurts you. I was there one day pleading with mom to eat and every mouthful she took she was crying. I left that night and cried all the way home. All mom wanted to do was come home one more time. We could not do it. This is the only guilt I have over the whole event we could not bring her home.......
I went in the next day tired..not near as tired as she was but tired and laid my head on her eating table between my folded arms, She said to me "do you remember I use to call you pussy cat as a girl." I said "yes" she said "it is because you use to do that all the time as a girl and it reminded me of a cat". I smiled.
The next two visits I will never forget. Mom was watching TV and I was sitting just keeping her company and she turned and looked at me with a small smile.... in complete love and acceptance.....my mother accepted me 100% for who I was!! there was no judgment , no past , just that moment of pure acceptance..what everyone always wished or wishes could happen did............... I was perfect .
The next visit I wen in with Margo and we sat with her and watched TV again., Mom turned to say something to me and I froze in horror..I have heard of the death mask before but never expected to ever see it. My mothers face was an empty skull ..The hair stood up on my head (more than usual) and I went white as a sheet both mom and Margo questioned me on this and I told Margo when we left what had happened. If you have ever seen it is is the scariest thing ever if you have not you are lucky!
Ray and I showed the few next day and as I walked into the room mom started to convulse and throw up blood and I called for help and we were rushed out of the room. I called dad (who had left and hour before) and they settled mom around. we went in. She was very tired, dad arrived we talked for a bit and went home. Dad called later and told us that they had to talk to a doctor about a few things the next day because mom was very weak.
I was prepared for the phone call from dad, but in life things do not always go as planned. I was at work and the phone rang at 11:11am. It was dad and he said that mom wanted to talk to me. She told me there was nothing left that they could do for her and that it would not be much longer. He kidney's were failing and she did not have much time...That did not happen the way it should have in my mind, dad was going to tell me not mom. I went to the washroom and cried for awhile and one on my coworkers walked in hugged me and told me to go home which I did and laid in bed and cried all afternoon long.
The next day Ray and Laura and I went in to visit and dad stopped us at the door and said "don't ask you mother to look at anything , she is blind". I kept a storng upper chin and joked a carried on with her when we were leaving I told her I was blowing her a kiss and told her I loved her. She blew a kiss back and said I love you. Those were my last words with her. She slipped in a comma the next day . I got to see here 2 more times. The last night she was alive. I combed her hair. Talked to her. sat with her for a few hours , kissed her on the head and this night I should not have been on the road. I have no clue how I got home I was so so tired.
I awoke in the morning to do a clients hair and was shocked that I booked her for 11 because I was always at the hospital on Saturday's by 10:30 -11 at the latest. I thought it was a weird decision but did her hair anyway. My mom died that hour, but I did not know this. Some people say that death is a journey one must take alone. I think she would not have been able to go with us there.
Ray , Laura and I were almost at the hospital when a voice told me to turn my phone on..so I did as we approached the gate to the hospital and the phone rang immediately . Dad was crying and says she is gone. He asked where we were I said right here we will be up in less than 2 minutes........ We arrived and sat with her for about an hour and then went to dads to pick out clothing and to make phone calls..........
about the 11:11 thing
1+1+1+1=4
11+11= 22
My mother died April 22nd at approximately 11am (04/22/06)
I had scheduled a tattoo appointment for the 24th as a commemorative piece for mom... little did I know that the appointment would be between the funeral and burial . Also interesting is the fact that some people are allergic to red ink...this was one of those lessons and I could almost hear mom say "get a tattoo in my name will you" for the next month I wanted to cute my arm off and hang it on the wall it itched so much!!! WOW just WOW!!
I could feel mom around for about two and a half months and then she or the feeling was gone. I can still smell her sometimes though and I love it when it happens.
She left complete , no questions, no judegemnts just the end of a journey. I am blessed to know that I have nothing unanswered no question marks ..we talked and healed everything that needed to be done ..but I would love the sound of her voice one more time......
On August 9th 2006, we celebrated another of the firsts without mom,, my birthday. Dad thought is was fitting to show us pictures of moms tombstone at supper which really affected me badly. He was happy the way it turned out. I was mortified that this was happening on my birthday (another Leo thing I guess)... ♫ Happy Birthday to you...do you want to see what your mothers grave stone looks like.♫
♫ Happy Birthday to you...do you want to see what your mothers grave stone looks like.♫ ♫Happy Birthday Dear Rhonda..............
At the end dad gave me a box and I opened it...there was the Moon Goddess . The Goddess with the tear.
So as my birthday approaches I would like to say Mom thank you for life, though most days I don't know what to do with it, I am honored to be your daughter and know you are with me. I miss you and I love you!!
No comments:
Post a Comment