I ofeten thought of writing a book about the stuggles of trying to get thing and then fat and then thin and then fat again.
One of my chapters was going to be "If Oprah can't do it- I'm FUCKED"
I mean seriously she has EVERYTHING at her finger tips, Money, trainers, cooks, her own show. The love of the world .......yet she is like a lot of us- a yoyo.
If I had Bob Green yelling at me at 5AM , I would be equally unimpressed as she is , BUT if I had soomeone in my kitchen that would hand me what I needed to eat in a day... all lined up (in order of time that it should be eaten ...I am OCD) I would have this nailed!!! yes I would
I am an out of sight out of mind eater...if I can't see I don't crave or want it.....Let Me Tell you about Wal*Mart...(no that is another Blog on it's own)
I hear people in the check out line looking at Oprah's magazine
Barb- "oh Suzie doesn't she look Fantastic?"
Suzie-" Barb they use photo shop ..a lot ...I saw the show yesterday ..she's still fat............"
Barb-" But aren't her clothes nice."
Really ..Half of Japan is missing, there have been a gazillion tornaodos in the States and you are concerned about photo shop...FML...
Society's non acceptance of "large-ish" people and even my own shallow and judgemental thoughts as well is a hard pill to swallow
Face it were are brought up "fattists". There I have said it!! out in the open and for all the public to see. Yes I judge fat people. Witht the same brush most skinny shallow people would judge me...why?? Because it is the ONLY socially acceptable, in your face judgment and predudice we not only allow but expect. AND people feel they have the right to tell you this to your face.
Lets get some of the judgements on the table these are some of the things I have been guilty of thinking as well pot meet kettle- HELLO!!!
Fat people are lazy
Fat people choose to be fat
Fat people don't excercise
Fat people sit on the couch all day and watch TV
Fat people don't like to get moving and do things
Fat people are ok to make fun of
Fat people smell
Fat people can't buy nice clothing
Fat people don't take care of themselves
Fat people don't eat healthy
Fat people eat junk food all day
Fat people have no self control
Fat People have no will power
Fat people DON"T DESERVE TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE LIKE ANYONE ELSE!!!
Why don't we really put it on the table right now
Fat people are addicted , that is right addicted to either carbs or sugar or god forbid both.
I was at my psychiatrists office on Monday talking about getting a gastric bypass. Yes going under the knife to finally get all the "fat stuff" worked out once and for all. Thinking if they cut away my shame (stomach) I may actually someday love myself , and hey if I didn't then society would because hell now I am in smaller clothes and look hot...well at least dressed anyway.
That appointment didn't go the way my inner dialog had it planed .
Me - I want surgery to get rid of this weight and live a active life again ,walk with Ray and the dog , Hike etc.
Dr.-*with magic wand in hand* ( dreamy music sets the tone) -- oh that will be lovely you will be so happy , so perfect, so loved....you will become financially successful, be able to support your household and be revered by all as a Goddess - your business will turn around and you will be faced with success far greater than you ever dreamed possible and you my dear can quit Wal*Mart , You will be all that you ever dreamed* (end dreamy music sound here)
Reality then slapped me in the face
Dr.- Rhonda you are clinically depressed, you are not a good candidate for the surgery. Most people plunge into a very deep depression after surgery. They realize that now they cant eat, and throw up without warning. There is a risk of death...yes death and there is a symptom called dumping.this is when the body is confused at what is going on and all of a sudden your lower intestine dumps everything without warning and you well basically shit everything everywhere with no control . You will have shakes, sweats and sometimes also pass out with warning.
Me- did you say no warning?
Dr- yes picture yourself at the cash register and then bam...crap everywhere!
Me- I am already embarrassed enough working at Wal*Mart..If I shit myself there, there is no living that one down. But what about the 3 people I know who have had it done and are doing great??
Dr.- Talk to them in 2 years , when they have either reagained the weight or have other complications...
Me- Le sigh.....
She told me most overwieght people are addicted to food. I know this becuse I spend at least every second month trying to get off of sugar and failing miserable, either the headche gets too bad or the shakes (yes shakes) or I end up out on a social occasion and blam done in.
My Dr. told me that they are now realizing that they have to treat people and detox them as the do with gambling addicts, heroin addicts and alcoholics.
Did you know sugar is as addictive as cocain in the "right brain chemistry" ?
Sugar as addictive as cocaine, heroin, studies suggest
It's one addiction that won't land you in court or an inpatient rehab. But sugar - as anyone who mainlines sweets can attest - can be just as habit-forming as cocaine.Researchers at Princeton University studying bingeing and dependency in rats have found that when the animals ingest large amounts of sugar, their brains undergo changes similar to the changes in the brains of people who abuse illegal drugs like cocaine and heroin.
"Our evidence from an animal model suggests that bingeing on sugar can act in the brain in ways very similar to drugs of abuse," says lead researcher and Princeton psychology professor Bart Hoebel.
Though my Dr. knows this and tells me this, she also informed me no one around here is doing this for of treatment.
I asked if she had any suggestions and she told me to try reading the new book called the 17 day diet...
GREAT another fucking diet..I was going to buy the book then changed my mind, it is easier to eat peanut butter cups and ignore , then I went into work at Wal*Mart the other day and there is was, it just came in (thank you universe).
It looks a lot like the Simply For Life program so it should be easy to wrap my head around the principles. The hardest part is going to be cooking (working 6 days a week limits your time to do much) and of course how to cook chicken 400 different ways............
I have sat Ray down and beg an pleaded for him to help me with this and he is going to have to do some of the cooking when I am not around.....fingers crossed this is going to have to be a lifestyle change for both of us!
I feel so trapped in myself sometimes. I don't think Ray has a concept on how hard this is. I know he knows it is a struggle ...but if he could only be in my head , my body for one day and know what the cravings are like, know what the pain and sorrow is like..... I just wish he could understand that I honestly don't want to feel like this either but I do........................I know he loves me and in turn I must love me.....
but first
off to watch Johnny Depp on Oprah...........I wonder what she is wearing
Rhonda,
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad you're writing this blog! I LOVE Carbs, and sweets, guuuuurl don't even get me started. I don't like A LOT of food, trying to diet as a picky eater is close to impossible. Cottage Cheese, asparagus, and whole wheat bread? Not going to happen in my food, and Tuna Absolutely 100% can't do it. All of those things are in diets. I will be cheering you on and I envy your courage!