Licking the Wounds

I am not sure if many of you realize this, but I have been inundated with verbal slurs about my weight as long as I could understand what words meant.

There are days I look at some of the people I have" friended" on FaceBook from my past and wonder if it were better if we had a great big "Fuck Off" button for those people who taunted and tortured you in elementary and junior high school.

I can totally relate to this clip that has gone viral on the net...

I was bullied ...badly and totally understand the kid who pick up scissors and stabbed a class mate. This  just happened at Halifax West High School. My step daughter Laura actually saw a part of this..... This kid is now being charged with attempted murder...my heart bleeds for him....

I was having a particualr rough spell around 11or 12 years old when I climbed and sat on a bridge that had train tracks far below it and I sat and sat and sat . Crying ....I convinced myself not to jump that day. But there are days when peoples ignorance leads me back to that bridge and my first thoughts of suicide.

This was after a class trip of team building to the Dingle located at Flemming Park in Halifax. We had several different things we had to do in small teams to build trust and the last event  "the climax" was a trust fall where we stood on the gazebo fell backwards and our classmates would catch us.

I did not want to do this at all. I was terrified but the gym teacher convinced me to do it. I turned backwards and fell off as all the student parted like the red sea and let me fall..scream stuff about me being to fat and heavy to catch.....This is one of the worse experiences of my life.

I had no idea really what suicide was. I had lost my grandfather at this point and saw what it did to my mom and grandmother vaguely , but at 5 you do not comprehend the finality of it all ,  you just know gramps is gone and you are sad and miss your outings.

I knew I was in pain. I knew jumping could end it....but after several attempts to force up the courage to do it. I turned the other way and jumped onto the pavement and went home.

Here are some facts about that time in my life:

If I had not had a stable family and loving parents and a fun brother..I may be dead. My family were awesome and accepting of me and fun to be around

I was akward in Junior High but not fat

In grade nine I had mono so bad I almost died , by the time I reached graduation I was a whopping 115lbs at the height I am now...I was not only not fat I WAS THIN!!!!

I had one friend who most of the time she hated me and and found me socially beneath her because of her family name BUT I was her only friend.

By the time I graduated grade nine I had 3 friends...none of them got along with each other so it was a lot of one on one time.

I was only ever invited to half a dozen parties EVER (this includes neighborhood birthday parties etc)

I asked 4 guys to prom ..all turned me down so I asked a guy in grade 7 ..He was sweet though..I still have fond memories of him...but he couldn't kiss at all..sucked your whole face in his mouth...


Hardly Miss Popular!

Here are some of the names I was called in School.

Elephant
Rho-tunda
Honda ATC because it was wide in the back

and my favorite which I was called most often was Cosmic Cow based off of some show that I never saw. About a comic strip or something...

I was bullied by one particular girl from grade 1 to 9 .She made my life a living hell. Calling me names was the least of it. She hit, spit on me , stole my shit and terrorized me.

It was not until my mom was really ill that we had a conversation about things I started and never finished, it was then I told her the grizelly truth. EVERY TIME I joined something (aside from swimming which I never quit and too far for this girl to get to) this girl joined.

I joined yukalaylee . BLAM,  there she was not only was she there but when I quit, bullied me into selling her my yuk because it was different than everyone elses .

I joined Brownies and she asked that I be in her group..She was the head of that group and my 6er...So I quit that....

I joined choir to sing in our Christmas concert I had a solo , she convinced the teacher we didn't like each other and this would be a good way of getting to be friends...the 12 days of Christmas is boring and long enough BUT rehearsal with this bitch hour after hour...HOLY CRAP!!!

( Her brother introduced me to sexual assualt but that is another blog on it's own)

One day in grade eight she challenged me to a fight and I took her up on it. I could not concentrate all after noon in school. The time took forever and lets face it the Guns of Navarone was not the most interesting book anyway.

The bell rang and we went to the filed and it was on...First fight ever and the advantage , she fought with her head down.. I got in a few good shots. The teacher arrived and dragged us to the principals office. I could hear her being raked over the coals. And then I heard "this is going to be on you permanent record" and I lost it....we have records??? I am the most sensitive person you will ever meet.... my integrity even then was huge to me.

The principal along with the teacher who broke up the fight called me in next. Sat me down and he said to me "that took you long enough". I got in no trouble, no phone call home, nothing a pat on the back...This was a triumphant day for me...until I realized a few years ago relaying this story at a gathering ,  now my adult mind could understand...They knew I was being tortured for years and DID NOTHING!!!!


I have put on weight no doubt BUT here are some things that have been said to my face in the last 15 years


2 girls from jr. high in the liquor store Is that Rhonda?

Can't be she is not fat enough....

At my grandmother funeral:

Man 1 :What happened to you?
Me: Nothing why?
Man 1 : Look at you , your fat
Man 2 Yeah maybe she needs a zipper put in her mouth

I spent my grandmothers funeral crying at what someone said to me not because my grandmother was dead (she was a bitch but I am beginning to see that in new eyes as well as I get older)


Taking my daughter and friends child to the ball room

Them: Come on fat Rhonda come get us
Me: nothing
This is the angriest I have ever seen Ray at his daughter. I think they wanted to play but that cut me to the soul.

At work one day when I worked at the Berkeley doing hair

Chef: That is not going o help you!!
Me: (eatting a grapefruit with a salad beside me) What?!?
Chef: What you are eatting, I still have to get a crane in here to get you out of your chair.

At Michaels Craft store:

Little Boy : She has a huge bum
Mother: Yes she does... they went to another isle

At a Dancing gig
Teacher from another club : Hey girsl (to her troupe) want a cinnamon heart
Gil in her troupe : Hey these a big ones
Teacher looking at me in the face : I like my candy chubby...not my dancers

A guest teacher at our club

Him: Nice to see you Rhonda
Me: Awesome to see you too it's been a few years.
Him: Yeah there is about two of you to see now, you should do something about it before it is too late. Have you considered surgery.....
Me: No I am starting Zumba next week
Him: Oh a diet, well I hope it works for you..but you should think about surgurey
Me: No it is a Dance areobics class..
Him: Might want to take off a few pounds first . You don't want to have a heart attack there , that would be embarrassing.

It takes 100 positives to counteract one negative. When people cut to your soul like that I feel it is more like a million to one.

I don't want to be large. I am not happy large. I want to walk and dance and be like everyone else. I want to enjoy food and love myself and be loved

But I have to Love myself as I am now to heal and work on me.

So of these stories I have only ever shared with close friends...which by the way I am not lacking in now and I love each and every one of the for diffirent reasons.

They have always given me strength and courage to walk as who I am today.

I tend to make fun of my weight in groups of people sort of diffusing the situation . It is like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and starting the game yourself with this knowledge.

If I hurt me first then they don't get a chance to do it.

If you ever wondered why I swear like a truck driver , I was not taught this. I did not even hear my mom say the word fuck until the week before she died, and I think that was showing a weird level of acceptance towards me.

I swear because it was a protection.

I learend how to use the "f" word every way possible so people would think  I was tough and leave me "the fuck alone" and you know what , when I started grade 9 it worked kids actually started backing down.....

Fucking sad really......................