Weighing In

I did it , for the first time in 6 months I stepped on a scale.  Yes I was naked, yes I had no jewellery  on and yes I just peed... and if it could have possibly helped I would have removed a few teeth.

Now the number I was hoping for and got was a bit different but only by two pounds. I weight the second heaviest I have ever weighed by two pounds. I feel like this is a little bit of a miracle I have only gained 6 pounds in the past 6 months and that is actually a gift from the gods...I was expecting to be devastated but in actuality was kind of relieved.

Most people say ditch the scale it's not about numbers it's about how you fell...Alright then. I feel like shit and right now the numbers count. I am striving not to obsessively weight myself and be all consumed by that " magic -flat-box-of- the- almighty- numbers"..BUT I need to at least address it, own it and check up on it every couple of weeks to analyze the progress.

It has been a lot of work to gain this weight ,  it has been my third job. Strapping on the feed bag is not as enjoyable as it sounds .

Every pound gained was done so out of sorrow from the strain of the last five years of my life. Every morsel of food shoved down to stuff aside a problem and numb pain, to help me forget,but pain, I have learned is like a beach ball in water as Dr. Phil equates it, you wrestle to push it down and it just pops back up with force , the bigger the ball (problem) the more force you put against it the faster it comes back and the higher it pops up requiring  more force again.

Food as a pill to fix anything I have learned is not the fix or the answer it is just another problem to have to be dealt with.

Now I am in pain, filled with sorrow and I am fat. Lucky Me.

I asked Ray to bring home some target pads from the club. I don't think I have hit anything in a few years.   just maybe  Ray a few times ...you know the "you said something offensive" punch to the shoulder ( If he hit me every time I did that, I think I would be black and blue constantly!!)

I warmed up with 20 mins of cardio on my recumbent bike while watching ridiculous music videos on Much Music wondering the whole time if there are any music artists left on this earth with any talent at all!!.

Then on went the gloves and a little fear...hoping I could still punch and possible kick anything at all...


Ray started the command "We will start Slow" Jab- Jab-right Cross....we did the drills for 15 minutes. I thought I was going to die, but I did it.... YES I DID IT!!! And by gods it felt so good. To see the technique still there , to feel the power still there to see the sweat still there to see the interest still there...I thought I was going to have a heart attack at one point but it was the beginning. IS the beginning of a new chapter. I am going to do this. I am going to accomplish this...I am going to be able to train again..


I cooled down with 20 mins of stretching and a few bottle of water...tired and a bit sore but also proud...I took the first step....

I read a lot of the 17 day diet last night and though it will be a bit of a challenge too, I am pretty sure that I can follow this . After I am done here it is off to write a grocery list for the next week.

I am excited and hopeful . Hopeful to get a part of my life back. Hopeful to be able to walk and hike with Ray again. Hopeful that again the sun may shine one day and that the flowers will come up.

I have been living inside the pain body for far too long now. This philosophy is explained in Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. The link below will give you a  the whole book if you have never read it or cannot afford it!

.http://res.allpdftools.com/allpdftools/pdf-download-resources/A_New_Earth.pdf


I agree that we get conditioned to feeling a certain way. As addictive as food can be so can your emotions. Once again a Dr. Phil-ism would be "what are you getting out of it".

I asked myself that question a few weeks ago. What reward do I get from being in pain constantly?? Do I get sympathy from my friends, my husband or have I convinced myself that it is easier to be large and eat anything and everything I want to and I get to cry about it?? What do I get out of feeling this way?

I will let you know if I ever discover it.

Right now I am not going to concentrate on what I can get , or rather what more can I give?

I can give my self health, longevity, beauty comfort and a new environment..meaning I will be able to walk on a beach for more than 5 minutes without becoming exhausted.

I can give myself ME!

I am worth loving and taking care of. I am worth it all and more!!