The Littlest Santa

When I was around 8 or 9 my mom and I went shopping around the holiday's. I can remember mom didn't like being in the malls too much so we were (usually) on our best behaviour minding our p's and q's and the rest of the alphabet when we were out.

This particular time we were at the check out and there were Christmas pins, teeny tiny Santas..I asked mom if she would buy me one and she said no, I'd lose it in 10 minutes, just like lost everything else and the diatribe began...I must have pleaded my case very well, or she was sick of hearing me go on about it, because she caved and bought it for me.

It became a tradition in the house that every year, I would pull out the Santa and wear it for Christmas day and then ritualistically put it back in the same place to bring it out the following Christmas...as a child I was proud that I had it , and would show her with a large smile on my face , As I became older it became a great joke. I would always walk into the house and proudly display the tiny jolly man like someone would a great award, this was a tradition of our Christmas the same as turkey or plumb pudding is and a very fond memory with mom.

My mom passed away and as we were preparing for her burial , the tiny pin popped in my head, and the thought of the first Christmas without her came to mind, and how it would not be the same for so many reasons...As I was about to leave the house for the burial , I went to my jewellery box and looked at it, and the without a second thought grabbed it , as we put moms ashes into the ground the priest asked if there were flowers or anything else to go in the ground. I said yes and pulled out the Santa pin and laid it on top of her box and smiled and said, “I told you I would never lose it and I didn't”.

I smiled knowing that this is with her forever and the child within is happy to know that I valued that moment in time enough to carry it forward to her afterlife!!

(this is not the pin but very very close to it)

TMI- Guys need not read!! Honestly

My Vagina (yes I am totally going there!!)

I Have MCS or Multiple Chemical Sensitivities. For the most part I am very careful and stay away from scented items that will trigger an attack. I know the majority of my triggers.

This weekend that just past marks one of my worse attacks yet. I am still in the process of detoxing and trying to sweat it out (literally ) . but what does this have to do with my vagina you may wonder, I need to go back to my teen years.

I had mononucleosis as  an early teen “the dreaded kissing disease” which is hysterical because I was one of the most unpopular kids in my school .I did have a boyfriend at this time (not from my school) who broke up with me because I was sick...true lover 4 ever my ass. I did not catch it from him though, I actually caught it from a girl when we shared popcorn , you don't think of saliva transfer this way, but you put you hands in you mouth and back into the bucket etc!!

I was laid up 8 weeks, missing all of my final exams in grade 9 except one , which my mom had to do the timings for and I would have to break and sleep in between sections.

This illness really weakened my immune system. I had severely swollen glands, an enlarged liver and spleen and could only drink milkshakes because my throat was so sore.

My mom once had to wake me to see if “I was still breathing” as she put it because I had slept for 27 straight hours.

This has led to a life full of issues , I cannot burn the candle at both ends or I end up beyond tired , barely able to function and ill. I went to the Prince concert last week, a good friend of mine got me a tickets as an early Christmas Present. I had to work the next morning at 6:30 am . I did second guess myself going because of my health issues, but went anyway, how many times are you going to get to see Prince really!!! BUT that was enough to weaken my immune system and allow this massive attack to come on!

I can remember as a teen doing my hair and using a hairspray , I ended up in bed with a pounding headache and feeling really ill. My mom heard water running and came up stairs to find my head in the sink , she wondered what I was doing but all I could smell was the hairspray and needed it out of my hair. I was fine in about 30 minutes.

That was the first attack I had. God knows I was a teen of the 80's , I could use a can of Aqua Net a day and I swear to God that the whole in the ozone over Nova Scotia was caused by my friends alone!!

After High school I went into hairdressing and nothing bothered me for years. I did hair professionally for 17 years and owned 2 salons.

The last year I did hairdressing , I was in the Berkeley in Bedford, a brand new building. New everything and they cleaned the place from top to bottom almost every day.

I would do a thorough cleaning of the salon every Tuesday and started to notice I was getting the flu a lot. Which was weird because I was only around the older folk an they would not come out of their apartments if they were sick.

I also started to get sever joint inflammation and was in too much pain a lot to do things I enjoyed like Jujitsu and Belly Dance.

I cleaned the salon one Tuesday and as I was cleaning the sink I could actually start to feel the flu like symptoms coming on , I thought to myself “What the fuck is this Fantastic Flu Formula”?? And then it hit me...holy crap I am allergic to chemicals.

Perm solution is really bad, as are ALL synthetic scents , (though I can wear pure Patchouli oil and use essential oils no problem at all). I am now basically allergic to All cleaning solutions, fabric softeners, I can't even be around someone who does their laundry with bounce, the smell of it in heir clothes triggers it. I am sensitive to all things Febreze (which is in EVERYTHING now) And the last huge one is Bleach.. (weirdly hair colour and hair bleach do not bother me thank God!!)

I have linked bleach and perm solution together as both contained ammonia , actually per solution contains 2 types of ammonia!!

Ray has had to switch to non scented everything and do most of the cleaning when I am out, but occasionally he goofs up like last year he bought a room deodorizer and put it next to the litter box because we were having a party , I did not know this and was in bed for a day. He told me later and threw it out.

So now on to my vagina finally.

6 years ago I had to switch from using pads and tampons...why you may wonder because they bleach pads and tampons girls..bleach them to get them white!! I had no choice but to use a Diva Cup. A diva cup is a silicone cup that you insert into the vagina via your fingers , then twist to seal. This was disturbing to me . I was not comfortable with the idea of shoving a cup up my wazoo to “catch” blood...since this time however , this little device is a God send and I don't what my issue was. A little messy from time to time, but once the cramping stops you forget you are on your period and it only has to be cleaned once a day. After your cycle you boil in in a pot on the stove for 15 minutes in water to sterilize and you are done!! I will advise though, if you need to change it say during a shift at Wal*Mart and have no access to water you will not get it in properly and will fell like you have a sideways eggbeater in you. That was a reallllllllly bad day!!!

So for the past 6 years I have had an itchy vagina. Now I am not talking a little scratch and you are done. I am talking about scratching until you bleed. And it has been chronic. Never a day passed that I did not scratch . I have had to scratch myself everywhere doing everything. I know where there are blind spots on the security camera so I can scratch in peace. I have used the corner of desks, Done the funky itch walk. The pretend your pantyhose need adjusting

There have been time I have wished I could remove my vagina from my body and hang in on a wall just for a bit of peace and relief.

I have tried creams, lotions, potions, everything at the drugstore with the letters “va” in it. I have treated myself for a multitude of yeast infections I have never had. I have been to my Doctor a plethora of times being tested for crotch rot , unheard of diseases , STD's in case I got something as a teen that just decided to pop up. I was told I probably have a touch of eczema , which is weird because I don't have it anywhere else, so you might as well put it on my vagina.

I have enlisted my friends who are aromatherapy gurus to make me creams, oils anything for relief , still nothing.

The 2 worse time are during my period and after Ray and I are “amorous”.

After sex (and I just told him this last week) I wake up and literally scratch myself senseless for about 2 hours. Ray and I are still very “active”...so I lose a lot of sleep with my itching bits. I was also scared that I developed a sensitivity to his ..umm .. sperm , .because some women are allergic to that too. I thought this is going to be a fun conversation to have. “You can have me but when you are almost done can you aim over there..thanks!!!”

BUT my period is no better. Same thing, lie awake scratch scratch scratch....Ray has even said to me on several dozen occasions will you leave your nitch alone.....IF ONLY!!

There are days I wish they made sandpaper mittens...this would make me a very hapy camper but no just an issue I have to deal with.

Ray and I had an “evening” two weeks ago and I awoke with the scratching again thinking is this ever going to stop...then BAM like with a bolt of lightening I was hit.....HOLY FUCK THEY BLEACH TOILET PAPER!!!

I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom..not a list of anything was on this...I was on a mission to Google . If you like a cushy tush (which I do ) this goes through a couple of bleaching processes AND also contains formaldehyde!! AND the companies DO NOT have to disclose this.

I went back to bed and told Ray that I was allergic to toilet paper and he said with a smile you are shitting me....I said no I really think I am

For the past 2 weeks I have been using freshening wipes and a towel to dry off....my report ITCH FREE FOR 12 days!!!!!

The freshening wipes contain perfume so I want to get off of that as quick as possible too, I have ordered unbleached toilet paper from a health store in Bedford.

When I went to the doctor yesterday because of my attack I told her I figured out what the issue was finally, she said that she should give me her clients that she doesn't know what is wrong with them. I told her, yeah but this took me six years...She told me she would have never figured it out!!

Thank you to the universal message I received that night!!!

below is an exert from an article I found on that night :)

Subsequent extensive allergy testing using the North American Standard Screening Series, as well as moist toilet paper and diluted chlorine bleach, revealed that the patient has mild allergies to formaldehyde, lanolin, and benzocaine, but not to chlorine.

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Discussion

This case report raises some important issues related to vulvar irritation. Many women suffer from vulvovaginitis symptoms and seek relief with OTC antifungal medications, yet diagnostic testing is negative for fungal conditions. In the case of our patient, we suspect that antifungal creams provided a barrier between the skin and the bleached toilet paper, hence the apparent initial relief of symptoms.

We suspect that she did not experience perianal symptoms with the bleached toilet paper because toilet paper would generally be used less frequently perianally than in the vulvar area; also, as mentioned previously, vulvar skin is more easily irritated than skin elsewhere on the body. It is also possible that the topical antifungal medication used to treat the symptoms of vulvitis further aggravated the skin, as it is known that preservatives, fragrances, antibacterial agents, and alkali or acid agents in douches can all cause allergic contact dermatitis. Products used only on the hands, such as nail polish, can come into contact with vulvar skin and cause dermatitis as well. Our patient did not use nail products, creams, or other hand products that did not travel with her to Europe. Given that our patient revealed allergic reactions to formaldehyde, benzocaine, and lanolin, and that these substances are not present in the brands of barrier cream and antifungal medication that she used, they can be eliminated as causative agents in this instance.

Our patient suspected the toilet paper she was using in Canada was the causative agent of her chronic vulvitis. An extensive review of the literature was conducted using the PubMed database, which included a combination of the search terms vulvar allergens, vaginitis, contact dermatitis, toilet paper allergies, over-the-counter medication, chlorine, and formaldehyde. This search did not reveal any cases of toilet paper dermatitis but did reveal documented cases of contact dermatitis due to moist toilet paper, such as baby toilet wipes.21,22 Given our initial suspicion that chlorine bleach might have been the offending substance, our patient was tested with various dilutions of chlorine with negative findings. In hindsight, this step was unnecessary, as chlorine is a gas that quickly disperses and likely does not remain contained in the toilet paper.23

We postulated that there must be a chemical that remains in the bleached toilet paper that acts as an irritant or allergen. We contacted several toilet paper manufacturers but were unable to obtain a list of the chemicals used to produce toilet paper. All manufacturers refused to provide consumer information, claiming proprietary rights to trade secrets. What we learned from a subsequent literature review, however, is that facial tissues, paper towels, and other forms of paper contain formaldehyde. Formaldehyde and its reactive derivatives are used in the paper industry to improve the wet-strength and other “valued” characteristics of paper and paper products. For example, shiny, heavy, white examining-table paper is much more likely to contain formaldehyde than thinner, less expensive, duller, and more fragile types of paper.9 The same could be said for toilet paper; the thick, absorptive, strong, bleached, and expensive brands are more likely to contain formaldehyde than the thinner, cheap, “grayish” brands.

Toilet paper is a ubiquitous personal hygiene product, and it is assumed that it contains no harmful chemicals. However, formaldehyde not only causes irritation, but it is also listed as a cancer-causing agent.24 There are more than 100 000 chemicals used in commercial products. Few have been tested for possible risks to health, yet those risks can be considerable.25 As evidence of this claim, Health Canada recently banned D4 and D5 siloxanes from shampoo and conditioner.26,27
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Conclusion

As clinicians, we suggest that when a woman presents to her family physician with chronic vulvar problems, the usual standard of care be applied. However, if all test results are negative and no cause can be determined, the patient should be advised to use unbleached toilet paper or minimally processed toilet paper to see if her symptoms abate. This is an easy, low-cost, and noninvasive suggestion that might solve the patient’s problem. Further, as a result of this case study, we believe that it is crucial that the manufacturers of toilet paper and other personal hygiene products and household goods be required to reveal all ingredients and chemicals in their products.

A Birthday is not a birthday.....

Without mom.

On Tuesday I celebrate my 42 birthday..yes I become the answer to the universes(Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reference) but a birthday isn't the same without the ones who brought you here.

Ray and I were eating lunch yesterday and I all of a sudden started to cry...He asked what was wrong and I told him I wanted to talk to mom...not about anything in particular just about nothing really. I was thinking about my birthday which lead me to think of  her special cake ( she only really baked at Christmas and our Birthdays) and how it has been years since I have had her chocolaty love in my belly...She was even too sick the last few years when she was alive to bake.

Mom always said my birthday was the hottest day of the year...and up until she died  that was true..now it does not seem quite so hot as it did years before.

She said I had parades and fireworks (because of crappy weather natal day Fireworks were sometimes on my Birthday)

And in later years the Buskers started on my Birthday as well... Us Leo's have a way of making a Birthday into a week long event usually with no less than 3 cakes.... and titles such as Rhondapolozza

We spent may a year in PEI on my Birthday..Mom would bake a cake and bring it with us or bake it when we got back. We would go to  Fairyland , Rainbow haven as I grew older and then dad, as I grew older still would take me trail rides with horses.. This was always my highlight  as a pre teen and teenager. I love to  ride a horse.

I am about to tell you about my moms death..this is actually written for me to get out feelings and emotions that have been bottled up for years...So here it goes!

In January of 2006 my mother called me out of the blue and said "remember I promised you I would buy you a necklace from Sajen Offerings. they are having a sale pick one out and I'll put it away for your birthday! I picked a turquoise Goddess in a half moon with on blue topaz tear drop. Of all the choices,  this strangely appealed to me though I do not wear a lot of blue.It was also this conversation where I knew my mother would not be alive on my Birthday.

My mother NEVER did 2 things A) plan events far ahead , her point was "We could all be dead by tomorrow , ask me tomorrow" and B) she NEVER promised us anything in case she could not follow through..with that phone call she broke both of cardinal her rules in one sentence. I remember getting off the phone and crying and telling Ray, she was going to pass away this year.

On the evening of January 23rd 2006 my mom entered the hospital for the last time. She was not doing badly at the beginning but a new doctor had changed a few of her medications and she was not reacting well at all.

My mom had a very rare disease called PBC . An autoimmune disease.

While in the hospital my mother contracted MRSA the super virus. A fungus on her heart and Dysentery .We had to gown up wear gloves and masks to visit her. This was aful to not be able to have physical contact with her and not being able to hold her hand without gloves on not being able to kiss her on the cheek good-bye..After some time I gave up on the gloves and mask and just wore the gown..

She had three massive hemorrhages losing nearly all the blood in her body, she ended up in ICU the first two times... This is one of the strangest places I've been. The care is really good . ICU is set up like a pod with the nurses in the middle and rooms in every direction  around the nurses station. Some are open and some are glassed in..because of the MRSA , moms was glassed in.

The first bleed out- I went in after work and was scared...very scared... I gowned up in an outer room and then walked in. I was not prepared for what I saw. Mom looked like my grandmother she had  literally  aged 30 years in a day. Her arms were outstretched to me and she was crying (I think one of the only times I had seen her cry in my life ) She looked like a child ..and in a way now she was at this moment the roles reversed and I became a care-giver to my mom. she spoke and said "I have never been happier to see purple hair in all my life".The spark had totally left her eyes. She was now counting down time. We visited for awhile and I went home and promptly coloured my hair to red and black...I did not colour it back to purple until last summer!!

I quit everything to be with my mom. I stopped training in Jujitsu, something I had done for 14 years . I stopped Belly Dancing and just was there every moment I could be for her. I worked , I went to the hospital , I came home and cried and repeated every day day for months. My brother started to refer to me as Ruby Gloom. My sister flew in a few times to see her and we were all so glad that they had a chance to meet and get to know mom when she was somewhat healthy. Dad was at the hospital 2 times a day. and I was there every night.

About this time a girl started working at my place of employment from Germany. Her name was Anna Vopel. Her and her boyfriend traveled (and still do) from country to country for experiences and have a TV show back in Germany. Why is it import I mention her? Because she was an angel sent to me a week before my mom went into the hospital and left Lotus (my place of employment ) two weeks after my mom passed away.. This girl was sent to give me joy and laughter and see the good in all, in the darkest time of my life. I don't know if she knows this..I had told her in the past she was my angel..I truly believe she was sent to aid me in this time of need. If it were not for her, Ray and Margo my dad and my psychiatrist ..I would not have made it through . I have not seen Anna since , but due to the internet and the dreaded (lol) facebook we are still in contact.

Around this time as well I started to see 1:11 and 11:11 EVERYWHERE. it became sort of a joke. I would look at the piece of gym equipment I was on and it would read 1:11 or 11:11. I would wake up at these times. I would glance at a clock at these time. My change would be these amounts. The amount of gas I put in the car ..I felt as if there was something with me when I saw these numbers... They still crop up and when they do I ask if I am in need of anything or check in to see if  I am overly stressed out.

Margo our roommate at the time would come with me to the hospital a lot. She was there as support and also for my mom and I as comic relief . We would chat awhile and then go home. Margo was also someone who lifted me and kept an eye on me through this. I also had a fantastic psychiatrist whose specialty was dealing with terminally ill people. She was a great help

In all of this chaos I decided to join Simply For Life and lose weight (????) I know really. BUT for a while it worked. I realized afterwords and when I gained the 65lbs back from this period of time  that food was the ONLY thing I could control in my life. everything else was spinning out of control and out of our hands.. Cooking took my mind off of mom and so did Sudoku puzzles..I started them at this time too , to rest my mind from reality.

If you ever wondered if dying is easy . I can honestly tell you it is the hardest job you will have unless by some divine intervention you are taken out by the blink of an eye. I honestly do not suggest illness. It sucks and is unbearable to watch someone you love go through. Though the blink of an eyes leaves you with shock and disbelief.

During our visits we would talk about a lot of different things. Mom started watching curling matches and was still fighting desperately to stay attached to this world.

Her second bleed out was really bad. She actually should have passed away but the fought to bring her back. she remembered hearing dad say "don't you die on me" and she fought Dad says it was a doctor that must have said it, because it was not him. Back in ICU again. Ray and I arrived in the room and I went to dad and stared balling in his arms, he was crying too.... Ray looked on lending support where he could. we were all just standing there , mom had a mask on her face and looked at us. She was barely able to speak she motioned for me to come over and said..why do you all look like a bunch of buzzards hanging around me. We started to laugh . This time in ICU was different. I went in to speak to her and she was now aware she was not going to live long  BUT was not done fighting. I talked to her holding her hand one day and ask if she was able could she be one of my guardians. She said she assumed by being one of my parents that it was a given and that she would be around me ..if that was the way it worked. We cried together and I went home.

The big decision came as to whether or not she should get the feeding tube in ..it was a nightmare roller coaster, but one doctor convinced us that with nutrition they could bring her strength back , get her eating and get her home...there was a light at the end of the tunnel ..this marked the last 13 days and  a very bad decision.

What we were not told..The tube jams, plugs and crimps, having to be removed and replace, not a fun job when you also have esophageal varices. The doctors told us to get her to eat , here is the thing when you are dying food actually hurts you. I was there one day pleading with mom to eat and every mouthful she took she was crying. I left that night and cried all the way home. All mom wanted to do was come home one more time. We could not do it. This is the only guilt I have over the whole event we could not bring her home.......

I went in the next day tired..not near as tired as she was but tired and laid my head on her eating table between my folded arms, She said to me "do you remember I use to call you pussy cat as a girl." I said "yes" she said "it is because you use to do that all the time as a girl and it reminded me of a cat". I smiled.

The next two visits I will never forget. Mom was watching TV and I  was sitting just keeping her company and she turned and looked at me with a small  smile.... in complete love and acceptance.....my mother accepted me 100% for who I was!! there was no judgment , no past , just that moment of pure acceptance..what everyone always wished or wishes could happen did............... I was perfect .

The next visit I wen in with Margo and we sat with her and watched TV again., Mom turned to say something to me and I froze in horror..I have heard of the death mask before but never expected to ever see it. My mothers face was an empty skull ..The hair stood up on my head (more than usual) and I went white as a sheet both mom and Margo questioned me on this and I told Margo when we left what had happened. If you have ever seen it is is the scariest thing ever if you have not you are lucky!

Ray and I showed the  few next day and as I walked into the room mom started to convulse and throw up blood and I called for help and we were rushed out of the room. I called dad (who had left and hour before) and they settled mom around. we went in. She was very tired, dad arrived we talked for a bit and went home. Dad called later and told us that they had to talk to a doctor about a few things the next day because mom was very weak.

I was prepared for the phone call from dad, but in life things do not always go as planned. I was at work and the phone rang at 11:11am. It was dad and he said that mom wanted to talk to me. She told me there was nothing left that they could do for her and that it would not be much longer. He kidney's were failing and she did not have much time...That did not happen the way it should have in my mind, dad was going to tell me not mom. I went to the washroom and cried for awhile and one on my coworkers walked in hugged me and told me to go home which I did and laid in bed and cried all afternoon long.

The next day Ray and Laura and I went in to visit and dad stopped us at the door and said "don't ask you mother to look at anything , she is blind". I kept a storng upper chin and joked a carried on with her when we were leaving I  told her I was blowing her a kiss and told her I loved her. She blew a kiss back and said I love you. Those were my last words with her. She slipped in a comma the next day . I got to see here 2 more times. The last night she was alive. I combed her hair. Talked to her. sat with her for a few hours , kissed her on the head and this night I should not have been on the road. I have no clue how I got home I was so so tired.

I awoke in the morning to do a clients hair and was shocked that I booked her for 11 because I was always at the hospital on Saturday's by 10:30 -11 at the latest.  I thought it was a weird decision but did her hair anyway. My mom died that hour, but I did not know this. Some people  say that death is a journey one must take alone. I think she would not have been able to go with us there.

Ray , Laura and I were almost at the hospital when a voice told me to turn my phone on..so I did as we approached the gate to the hospital and the phone rang immediately . Dad was crying and says she is gone. He asked where we were I said right here we will be up in less than 2 minutes........ We arrived and sat with her for about an hour and then went to dads to pick out clothing and  to make phone calls..........

about the 11:11 thing

1+1+1+1=4
11+11= 22

My mother died April 22nd at approximately 11am  (04/22/06)

I had scheduled a tattoo appointment for the 24th as a commemorative piece for mom... little did I know that the appointment would be between the funeral and burial . Also interesting is the fact that some people are allergic to red ink...this was one of those lessons and I could almost hear mom say "get a tattoo in my name will you" for the next month I wanted to cute my arm off and hang it on the wall it itched so much!!! WOW just WOW!!

I could feel mom around for about two and a half months and then she or the feeling was gone. I can still smell her sometimes though and I love it when it happens.

She left complete , no questions, no judegemnts just the end of a journey. I am blessed to know that I have nothing unanswered no question marks ..we talked and healed everything that needed to be done ..but I would love the sound of her voice one more time......

On August 9th 2006, we celebrated another of the firsts without mom,, my birthday. Dad thought is was fitting to show us pictures of moms tombstone at supper which really affected me badly. He was happy the way it turned out. I was mortified that this was happening on my birthday (another Leo thing I guess)... ♫  Happy Birthday to you...do you want to see what your mothers grave stone looks like.♫ 
♫  Happy Birthday to you...do you want to see what your mothers grave stone looks like.♫  ♫Happy Birthday Dear Rhonda..............

At the end dad gave me a box and I opened it...there was the Moon Goddess . The Goddess with the tear.

So as my birthday approaches I would like to say Mom thank you for life, though most days I don't know what to do with it, I am honored to be your daughter and know you are with me. I miss you and I love you!!

My life is a country song............

The hiatus is over. I had to go through a few major transitions the last month which left me very vulnerable and I decided it would be better for me to deal with things a bit before writing.


I have a very good friend who has told me not to "list" the events that have happened the last 5 years because it gives me no power and to let them go she say they keep me trapped in the past and leaves me now room for good to enter in.

I am obsessive compulsive and lists and counting is what I do best, but she is indeed correct about this so THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM GOING TO LIST EVERYTHING!!

I am going to to blog about some of the events in the list and once I do that I am releasing it out of the prison that is my mind

so here is the TIME LINE

January 23rd 2006 - My mom enters the hospital for the last time

April 22nd 2006- My mother passes away

May 2006- My brother who has Chrons disease and MS falls in his walker and injures his knee and will never walk again

April 2007- Dad is diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer

May 2007- We took out 2 year old dog into get fixed he died 7 days later of liver failure

August 2007- Dad does not respond well to Chemo and almost dies

September 2007- I find a breeder of Bernese Mountain Dogs in Nova Scotia and we find our awesome Deogi he came home in October - YEAH!!

January 2008- Dad finds out that there is a cancerous tumor on his lung and needs surgery

April 2008- I lose my job that I dearly loved after 9 years

September 2008- I open Morrigan LeFay's Mystical Gift

October 31st - 2008- Ray and I renew our vows with friends- YEAH

January 2009 - My friend Lynda dies after a year struggle with Breast Cancer, she is 35

2009- Dad sells the family home and moves to an apartment.

April 2009- My favorite cat in the world Lestat dies in Ray's arms. I did not make it in time to say good bye...I arrive at the vets and he is gone

October 31st 2009- My friend Dale dies of cancer at the age of 38 leaving behind a wife and small child.

January 2010-May 2010- After a tough year of running the business we decide to put our house up for sale, this is one of the most stressful things we have done...In this process 3 of our 4 cats die due to the stress and old age. ALL died of kidney failure.. the were Poopie -13 , Pippy - 14 and Frodo- 18.

May 3rd 2010 - Our remaining cat Mogwai has a new baby brother Dexter 1/2 Himalayan and 1/2 Ragdoll..this cat I fall in love with- YEAH

December 2010- Due to financial stress , I have to get a job at Wal*Mart to help support the house. between Ray and I we now have 5 jobs between us and still can't seem to get on top of things

January 2011- Ray's full time salaried job goes part time by the hour after 11 years of employment

June 2011 - Ray finds out his employer has not made payments on his van and it is impounded..we have 5 jobs and one vehicle and no bus service!

June 2011 - Fathers Day - Ray is in a car accident 10 minutes from home and requires 5 staples to the head, has a minor concussion and bruising.

June 2011- Dad rescues us and gives us his car! YEAH

June 17th 2011 - I close the business

I have been told that there is a certain number of stress points that are "awarded" to events in your life. And that the more points that you accumulate the more likely you are to have a nervous break down and or go into a bad depression.

The top 3 are :

Loss of a parent/child or partner
Loss of a career
Loss of home

We have had all 3 in 4 years.

Suffering from depression is hard enough but when life throws you a cluster fuck like this it is hard to see the light of day most of the time.

I survive on my humor and with the help of my friends and family and of course my lover food!

I may add that during all of this I might have not gotten up out of bed due to depression two times. The rest of the time I was fully functioning. Ray is a driving force and in some ways I am glad that he does not fully understand depression . He does not allow me to wallow in it most of the time...he makes me move , he gets me up and going and at some times I am totally pissed that he will not leave me alone but in actuality he is one of those angels that picks you up and helps you move forward. If I did not have Ray or lived on my own I dare say I would be a much different person. I may actually not be here at all.

We all have dark moments , but the years can take it's toll. This year I actually had to pull the car over and stop myself from hitting a tree at 80km an hour crying trying to figure out a way to get out of debt and get on top of things again (when we figure that one out I will let you know) Things become too much and you can't see a foot in front of your face. It is ironic that Ray's accident was clocked at 80 kms/hr .

Ray's accident did not register with me until last week. I had to get through closing the store and protecting myself from negative issues surrounding that. I had to glide through life on neutral and move forward. The night we closed the store we made a few unfortunate discoveries ....I totally shut down and honestly after 5pm couldn't tell you what happened other than it was quick and done.

A few of us went for a bite to eat after we unloaded the jewellery cases and I could not find the restaurant , it was less than a block away..it took me 20 minuets to get there.

Life is not perfect and we all have issues to deal with. The one thing I am tired of doing is reinventing myself yearly. I would love to glide through a year with a "wow that was uneventful" kind of feeling...... I don't do drama but what if drama does you?

There have also been a lot of good things that have happened too, don't get me wrong, but we get stuck in the "bad stuff" . My father once told me that it takes 100 positive comments to counter one negative comment...So how many positive events does it take to counter a negative event?

Is it any wonder I hate country music- if I played it backwards do I get it all back OR do I keep going forward and allow myself to be shaped by these events and honor them for the growth they have allowed me to achieve and the joy of knowing I have the support of a loving, awesome husband, a great family and very gifted friends.............

People of Wal*Mart

I work at Wal*Mart because I have to not because I want to...and by have to I mean HAVE TO!!

After 11 years of work. Ray's full time salary job went part time...He had to get another job which is also part time. I have my business Morrigan LeFay's Mystical Gifts, which is not making any money... I have had no pay cheque up until December for three years... Ray also does the teaching thing..So out of 2 people in our house hold we have 5 jobs . and we are still just making it!!!

I started working there on December 3rd 2010 ..yes that is right Christmas at Wal*Mart..WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA!!!  Between the 26th of November to the 25th of December I had no day off..I will NEVER do that again.

Now don't get me wrong the people I work with are great ( aside from a few of the "privileged young" people who work there and think it is cool to clock in then sit in the staff room for an hour.)

There is drama if you are looking for it and in store relationships, BUT if you are looking to come in , do your job, and go home this is perfect.

I never saw myself working for a company like Wal*Mart , but then again I also did not see my job of 9 years going down the toilet in a few short months either.

Most people on staff think I am weird (could it be the purple hair and skeleton hand necklace ...or maybe the skunk hat!! ) but once they stop and talk for a bit they warm up and most of the cash associates young and older know one thing...I pride myself on integrity and I WORK MY ASS OFF!!... and we get along and have a fun time.



The customers for the most part are friendly..Most feel compelled to talk about my hair one way or another and a few have been really rude....Once again you go back to being an 8 year old being bullied by a peer .
We sell stuff I have never seen or hear of before and certainly don't know what, if any use they have. We sell crap that no one would ever use and people will buy anything if it is on sale .

One day I had a woman ask if I was ready for Halloween, A guy call me stupid out of sight for not knowing how to ring in a coupon ( cause you know I work  Procter and Gamble , Swanson , Bens, Tasters  Choice and Purina ... give a customer a coupon and  they assume  you wrote the coupon and are a proxy CEO for the company said coupon is coming from)  And a guy hoping that  Wal*Mart would increase my wages so I did not have to wear my lingerie to work...now though I am a bit of an exhibitionist giving the right situation , but wear my lingerie to a cashier job?!? WOW...no one needs to see this at check out # 11 let me tell ya!!

Toying with a 2 year old

Right after Easter a woman had her two year old in the line with a stuffed bunny..The mom and two year old get in a battle and the girl started freaking and would not give up the bunny, the mother suggest I take it from the child because I would have the better chance at getting it (who's the mom??) so nicely I said  "ta ta to me" .....this two year old hit me. Yup hit me, and the mother DID NOTHING...I am a Leo ..I will win even if it is a two year old. The woman asked if I could scan it from where I was..I answered (yes) NO sorry I need it...so she wrenched it from the girls arms and handed it to me...The little girl LOST IT...now I could have been nice and just scanned it  (remember the girl hit me) but I pretended to scan it through ( I am sure the code worked fine), then told her that code wasn't working and that I had to key it in...then I proceeded to key the numbers wrong 3 times and watch the girl scream more..I finally got it through properly and the little girl got the bunny and everybody was happy !! (what ever happened to the you are making such a fuss you get nothing.....) So ultimately I went out of my way to distress this child and sadly it felt good!!

 I get more and more pet peeves as the weeks go on.

Don't leave your cart in the isle it is not my job to take it back you know where it came from.

 Don't leave articles in a basket on the belt , I will flip it upside down and watch your face in shock and horror...and it will be my pleasure.

Don't tell your kids I will be mad at them if they don't stop playing with the interac machine..because I really don't give a shit....If you don't want them to do it..stop them...

I hate milk in bags...it's dumb and like trying to pack a substance from other planet..

GET OFF YOUR GOD DAMMED CELL PHONE AND TREAT ME LIKE A HUMAN NOT A DRONE... I hate to tell you this but honestly... YOU ARE NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT!!!

Febreze, Bounce and Glade and every other plug in with Febreze...  . Any and all boxed fabric softener should be outlawed!! This stuff is pure hell on me and now I may need a puffer to even be able to work there!!

*on a side note have you noticed how is in everything now..cat littler, garbage bags , laundry detergent, Mr. Clean  next they will come up with one a day + Febreze so your innards can smell as good as your outers*

For anyone with any form of chemical allergy every day is a challenge with certain products..And with food addiction...

I will explain;

When I first started at Wal*Mart I was off of sugar for almost 2 months this was a huge event and made me feel that I was actually on the right track again. The first Friday I worked there supper time came and this man wheeled a shopping cart in .Everyone in the room grew quite... excitement was brewing and the them man said...here you go and like pack of starving hyenas ...the Frenzy began...cans of pop were fling, chips were being tossed, boxes of chocolate being passed around  like a high school joint...gummy worms, peach sours...what the frack did I just land in ..it was like an episode of Twilight Zone and then the person next to me told me about "Feeding Frenzy Friday's" this was a weekly ritual 5pm Friday night... the treats were on Wal*Mart!!!

I was fine the first week. Didn't eat a thing,  then the following still holding strong when someone moved a bag of chips and I spotted them...  oh yes I did, Like Columbus finding the new world......I asked" are  those Whoppers?"  Yes they were.. and I Rhonda  , conquered the Whopper of Wal*Mart in a "frenzy spectaculare"  and cheers were had by all...or at least that is how it played in my mind...At the end of the bag I was full , with a sugar high and defeated..yes I had conquered the whopper but again lost the battle of bulge. And set myself back what seemed like an eternity.

This has been the beginning of the end for me .... every Friday free treats...BUT  it didn't stop there...at Christmas there was at least 2-4 boxes of chocolates a week damaged by shipping...in the staff room they come.People bring in cakes for each others birthdays Boxes of damaged cookies. Treats for working hard ..One day I walked in and there were 5 slab cakes...5 in celebration of end of year bonuses (missed the cut off by 2 days).. I thought I can do this...and did it . I actually  didn't want the cakes... SUCCESS!!! WOOT!!! I walked by the end  table  to put my lunch in the fridge and sitting there in a huge salad bowl were broken chocolate bunnies like 7 or 8 of them... I almost felt like I was panicked...but it was too late, with a bunny ass in my mouth and a chocolate line in to my vein...I was done in again.

Ray told me to eat somewhere else,  I said where in the bathroom...listening to the orchestra of bodily noises..or perhaps the hallway with the rotten food and mice...No but there is no where to go.

This issue is equivalent to setting up line of cocaine to a user and telling them as much or as little as you want but it is all free...3-2-1 GO!!

There is actually nothing healthy at our Wal*Mart to eat There is no fruit, no vegetables (unless frozen) yogurt you cannot by singularly...We do have Smart Ones dinners and Healthy Choice frozen meals...but aside from that..water and that is it.  We have a McDonalds that serves no salads... I have brought in lunches twice now and have had them stolen by someone ...thus forcing me to shop in the "food-tress of doom". I have only had  MikkeyD's once...I can't even stand the smell of stuff cooking...makes my skin crawl. But I have made poor food choices and lots of them.

I went on the "I have not had it in years" shopping spree (Bridge Mixtures, black licorice, Flakies) And then there was the all out binge of 2011...Mini Eggs...I don't think thee was one safe in this city...this is what lead me to start really thinking about my food and triggers...I don't know what triggered this one, but I think it is likely the thought of potentially having to shut down the business and being financially unstable yet again...

People often say that you learn lessons out of all that you do, and I think there are a few lessons at Wal*Mart I have already learned:

#1 Commercialism is ridiculous , people will buy anything even if the don't need it or know what it is for. This has actually prompted me to go one a mini purge and get rid of some of my statues and jewellery that I no longer wear

#2 a lot of people are lost

#3 a lot of people are shameless and rude

#4 this may make or break me as far as food issues go...where there is food at every check out and the amount of people that buy nothing but junk food is scary and tempting to do it myself. (The day before Easter our candy department did $30,0000 THAT IS CRAZY!!!.)

I am willing to try and find a better way to deal with my emotions and issues without stuffing my face but boy this one is a challenege...I will let you know how it is going......

Johnny Depp Johnny Depp Johnny Depp

 In honor of the launch of  Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides

We have a saying at the store when we manifest something quickly...this could be anything from and quick sale of an item we were just discussing, but usually it happens when someone we have just talked about walks in the doors to Morrigan LeFay's ....we say out loud and with vigor Johnny Depp , Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp..why.... because I am trying to manifest him coming through the doors.

It has become a joke and a mantra of ours over the past two years and one of the people who works for me Joker said..."do you know why he doesn't come in"? I said "because he is famous and lives in France?" and Joker replied "no,because you don't believe he will". And that is true!

Law of attraction  is everywhere these day, and we hear a lot about it and I think in some manners it is a new spin on the 90's creative visualization.

I had the joy of being in one of  Michael Loiser seminars a 2 years back in Halifax and I learned a great deal..but also learned I have a great deal to learn.

Michael taught how we all vibrate and to be pure "vibrating machines" (and not the type that take double "A" batteries) we have to try and keep our vibrations up and our intentions clear...boy that sounded easier in the seminar that it is in reality...

One of the main things I learned from this is the power of words...He taught that the universe does not understand the words "don't , not , and no"...and I was thinking "what"?...and then he put it in such easy to under stand terms that it was not only and ah-ha moment but a duh moment as well .

He said if you don't understand this principal, have you every told your dog that you were not taking him on a walk..light bulb!!! all the dog hears is walk...we are going on a walk ..walk walk walk and the tail is going and now you cannot convince this creature that there was a no in this sentence anywhere!! It was so obvious it was ridiculous!!

He also said that with positive affirmations you have to focus on what you want not what you don't want... One of my big ones was" I don't want to be fat and 40" universe enter in stage left ...fat and 40 here we go!!...how is that working for me..he said focus on changing the words  "I want to be happy and health and toned at 40" not a negative to be seen there!!

Michael continues with how we all carry with us a "vibration meter reader" that goes between 0-100 megahertz and that we should strive to stay at around a range on 80...our goal is to try to get to 95 and stay there because that is where the magic is!

This is my interpretation of his information ...he says...  have you ever had a fantastic day where the moon is right, the stars are right, it is beautiful, the music in your house has you totally uplifted you are running at about 90MHg and the phone rings and it is aunt Betty,,, and Aunt Betty runs at about 20MHz on a good day...you look at the call display and BOOM you are now running at 30MHg ..you don't even want to answer the phone but you do , it is draining and the fantastical mood you were in is gone..His solution don't buy into Betty..with every negative she gives out ask her "so what do you want"...Keep repeating this and change the negatives to positives and before you know it 1 of 2 things happen Aunt Betty starts rising to meet your vibrations OR she can't stand all the positivity and starts calling others to complain to...It's really a win win situation.

At the store I have a great variety of people to deal with. The hardest are the Psychic Vampires  . Yes they exsist and no they do not have to be dressed in black with fangs and make up..they could be in a cute yellow dress or a shirt and tie. These are the people that you feel that you need to take an nap after talking too for about 20 mins and feel like  (honestly) a piece of you is missing when they leave. I have taken to wearing a few amulets in my bra to protect against the energy of such people.

When I am at the store though I find it very difficult to keep a shield , it is my store and I indirectly feel that I should be safe in my own surrounds. When I work at Wal*Mart it is different...I try and keep a shield at all times because most customers are unaware but are soul sucking!!

I have manifested a great deal of things both positive and negative. I know it works but we have to also work past a few other issues to find what we truly need and one of these issues we have to work to overcome  is fear.

Fear can be one of the most powerful manifesting emotions we have. There are 3 things I truly fear 1. being fat 2. being poor and 3. losing Ray

I have manifested 2 of the 3 things on my greatest fears list. Ray is very aware of my third fear and we work together to  keep the lines of communication open and reassures me all the time that things are fine BUT this is hard and taxing on him. I am aware of this and work at it daily. With Depression and OCD the relationship one is very hard indeed.

As I walk through life this I know, I am manifesting the life I want, good or bad, it is set up exactly how I want it and I work hard every day to keep that intention pure and keep vibrating as high as I can at every given moment

On that note I have tickets to see Pirates 4 tomorrow night in Imax 3D...surround by pirates in costume...

I get to see Johnny Depp in 3D ...this possibly the closest I will ever get to him. So I think I will be vibrating at around 100 and if not at the theater for sure when I get home   ;)

The Elephant in the Room

This is one of those sayings I have always hated. I guess being a bigger gal anything pertaining to whales and elephants I kind of shy away from.

Once again the comedian that lives inside my head will tell people that the whale is one of my totems but being a large girl I rarely admit it.

"Elephant in the room" is an English idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed. The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss.

Now for most people there elephant can go unchecked  , however for big people not so much.

Most people can go through life hiding there elephant, through other addictions like alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling. I am not saying these are not life altering or painful but there elephant would not be noticed by the everyday social interactions , say at the office , or at a party  or lets say a customer at Wal*Mart

Our issue is that we WEAR OUR PAIN

Yes my fat is in essence an armor ....

I was talking with someone the other day I work with, she is bigger than I am. We were talking about how we are treated by others and how people don't stop at saying what is on their mind about how you look or what our weight issues are. Offering advice on how to lose weight and become more active...Like we don't know

We Judge...that is what we are taught to do at a very young age. Judge everything. We are brought up as mini bi products of our parents fears, prejudices, guilt and failures. Not as the magic beings we could potentially become.

We have to lose the magic by being told what we feel is and see is not true and as we grow we become shallow, judgmental beings. Abusive to each other in the school yard , gossiping behind each others back , getting caught up in rumors and ridicule of others... and as we grow older we start to see that this is wrong and then search for answers to become that magical being again. Through reading, Religion, meditation, self growth and going inward what we seek  is what we crave ..acceptance and understanding.

The person goes on to tell me how when she was 18 she was married to a man whom she loved and was 8 months pregnant. Then on the way home one night they were hit by a drunk driver and her husband was killed instantly and she went into labor and they could not get to her in time and she lost the baby too.

I have been at work with this woman and have heard people comment to her, to her face about her weight. It is a bloody miracle that this woman is not in a psych ward let alone functioning with two jobs and smile and laughs. It is a miracle she leaves the house, and gets up and walks her dog and trods through life. It is a miracle she has not killed someone for their shallow , messed up and not asked for advice and comments.

What gives people the right to say anything to anyone about their weigh , how they look etc. When did we become so enlightened that we have the right to "judge like a God".

My life is my business and if I needed an opinion I would ask.

I have talked to a lot of large women over the years , getting to know them as friends etc. and there is one major thing in common with ALL OF US. We have had some sort of tragic, life altering ugly event that has happened in the past that now matter how we keep trying to let it go we fail. Our drug of choice is food.

We Wear our pain. Plain and simple. I can almost guarantee you 100% of all fat people do not want to be fat AND if they have come to accept their largeness , which I am fine with as well they still face the every day attack on their self esteem and being.

Two years ago I was jog/walking to my car after a phone call I got from Ray, and a car full of young people were driving by. The window opened and one of them threw a hamburger at me and said.."have another one fat ass".

Did they think advice like that is helpful or funny for the two second laugh they got out of it , were they aware that I was rushing to my car because my cat was dying and I didn't make it in time to say good-bye. Did they care that they layered pain on top of pain?

My point to this entry is this. The next time you see a fat person instead of saying to yourself fuck he or she is fat ...(and if you do repeat these words in your head...cancel cancel cancel )

Ask yourself What is there story!!

I will share more of my soon!!

Weighing In

I did it , for the first time in 6 months I stepped on a scale.  Yes I was naked, yes I had no jewellery  on and yes I just peed... and if it could have possibly helped I would have removed a few teeth.

Now the number I was hoping for and got was a bit different but only by two pounds. I weight the second heaviest I have ever weighed by two pounds. I feel like this is a little bit of a miracle I have only gained 6 pounds in the past 6 months and that is actually a gift from the gods...I was expecting to be devastated but in actuality was kind of relieved.

Most people say ditch the scale it's not about numbers it's about how you fell...Alright then. I feel like shit and right now the numbers count. I am striving not to obsessively weight myself and be all consumed by that " magic -flat-box-of- the- almighty- numbers"..BUT I need to at least address it, own it and check up on it every couple of weeks to analyze the progress.

It has been a lot of work to gain this weight ,  it has been my third job. Strapping on the feed bag is not as enjoyable as it sounds .

Every pound gained was done so out of sorrow from the strain of the last five years of my life. Every morsel of food shoved down to stuff aside a problem and numb pain, to help me forget,but pain, I have learned is like a beach ball in water as Dr. Phil equates it, you wrestle to push it down and it just pops back up with force , the bigger the ball (problem) the more force you put against it the faster it comes back and the higher it pops up requiring  more force again.

Food as a pill to fix anything I have learned is not the fix or the answer it is just another problem to have to be dealt with.

Now I am in pain, filled with sorrow and I am fat. Lucky Me.

I asked Ray to bring home some target pads from the club. I don't think I have hit anything in a few years.   just maybe  Ray a few times ...you know the "you said something offensive" punch to the shoulder ( If he hit me every time I did that, I think I would be black and blue constantly!!)

I warmed up with 20 mins of cardio on my recumbent bike while watching ridiculous music videos on Much Music wondering the whole time if there are any music artists left on this earth with any talent at all!!.

Then on went the gloves and a little fear...hoping I could still punch and possible kick anything at all...


Ray started the command "We will start Slow" Jab- Jab-right Cross....we did the drills for 15 minutes. I thought I was going to die, but I did it.... YES I DID IT!!! And by gods it felt so good. To see the technique still there , to feel the power still there to see the sweat still there to see the interest still there...I thought I was going to have a heart attack at one point but it was the beginning. IS the beginning of a new chapter. I am going to do this. I am going to accomplish this...I am going to be able to train again..


I cooled down with 20 mins of stretching and a few bottle of water...tired and a bit sore but also proud...I took the first step....

I read a lot of the 17 day diet last night and though it will be a bit of a challenge too, I am pretty sure that I can follow this . After I am done here it is off to write a grocery list for the next week.

I am excited and hopeful . Hopeful to get a part of my life back. Hopeful to be able to walk and hike with Ray again. Hopeful that again the sun may shine one day and that the flowers will come up.

I have been living inside the pain body for far too long now. This philosophy is explained in Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. The link below will give you a  the whole book if you have never read it or cannot afford it!

.http://res.allpdftools.com/allpdftools/pdf-download-resources/A_New_Earth.pdf


I agree that we get conditioned to feeling a certain way. As addictive as food can be so can your emotions. Once again a Dr. Phil-ism would be "what are you getting out of it".

I asked myself that question a few weeks ago. What reward do I get from being in pain constantly?? Do I get sympathy from my friends, my husband or have I convinced myself that it is easier to be large and eat anything and everything I want to and I get to cry about it?? What do I get out of feeling this way?

I will let you know if I ever discover it.

Right now I am not going to concentrate on what I can get , or rather what more can I give?

I can give my self health, longevity, beauty comfort and a new environment..meaning I will be able to walk on a beach for more than 5 minutes without becoming exhausted.

I can give myself ME!

I am worth loving and taking care of. I am worth it all and more!!

Martial Hearts

I just got back from having supper with Royce Gracie...Yes THE ROYCE GRACIE!!

Today marks an anniversary in Ray's and my life. We have been committed to each other for 16 years today.

I met Ray at the ripe old age of 24, he was teaching a woman's self defense course at Northcliffe centre in Halifax. I was married at the time and lived in Lower Sackville. I convinced some of my friends and co-workers to take take a class with me and where I was the only one out of the city, they won on the location.

I can remember walking into class. I had just taken off 70 lbs and felt a little insecure about my size ...( look even small I was not comfortable in my own skin!!)

We took the first class and my friend asked if I wanted to go grab a coffee afterwords and I told her yes.

We went to Tim Hortons and sat to talk. She said that I was acting strange. I tried to convince her that nothing was wrong but she persisted...My response even shocked me...".Look I feel like I have just met my soul mate and my second husband". Ray and I had not spoken , but his eyes locked on mine for a split second and I felt a "ping" like nothing I had ever felt before. I was electrified.


"Did that just come out of my mouth " I thought...because at this point my marriage was OK not stellar not bad but I was content . That was all about to change.

The third week of class Ray informed us that he would not be teaching the next class , that his assistant would be why?!? Because he was getting married. My co-worker and I both told him to run and we all laughed.

As the course was ending he told us about the other course he taught called Jujitsu...I went home and made a few phone calls (no one had the Internet then ) I talked it over with my husband and I enrolled to take this class...I also brow beat one of my co-workers into doing this as well so I was not alone.

I remember pulling up to the school , Ray was sitting half in and half out of the truck wearing some pretty awesome wicker shoes and a wife beater oh and he had a caterpillar he called a moustache on his lip (why did I love him...right the lightening bolt)

I also remember walking into the bath room and having the nervous stomach..well something like that. We now refer to them as the ju-shit-su.

First class was alright we went with one of the senior students who took us through some of the beginning techniques and I kept watching Ray out of the corner of my eye.

He invited the person working with me to a movie night at his house and told me that senior students hang out together ...I was thinking how do you become a senior student.

I trained a few times a week for months getting to know him better and better , hoping he would be a total ass hole and that I would put this to rest and move on with my white picket suburb life....Not only was he not an asshole , he was awesome. Kind and very generous....Damn!!

I gave him my phone number one day and told him if he was bored to give me a call sometime and maybe we could go for a walk or something. I never expected it to happen , then one day out of the blue he called, while my husband and I were painting the bedroom...I wanted to put everything down and run out the door but instead Ray said that he would call again.

I am an honest person . I never once lied to my husband about going out with Ray EVER.

A few weeks went by and Ray started coming to my house to give my co-worker and me some extra lessons...can you say disaster in the making!!!

Ray invited me out again. This time I could go. I drove into town and met him at point pleasant park. We went for a nice walk and then we went to The Public Gardens for another stroll and ice cream.

Our next adventure was off roading in Tantallon . He took me to lunch at the two gulls restaurant and we talked and laughed...I had myself convinced that we could be friends..that is it just friends.

He was over at our place another time and left his jacket by accident....I had it for a week and use to pick it up and smell it. God I loved that smell and still do..Stetson!! He still wears it and it still has the same effect...I LOVE IT!!!

He invited me to one of his kids classes that he was teaching (yes that is odd I don't even like children all that much..but hey he invited me) It was that class that would change my life forever.

As he sat with the kids teaching and playing with them, one child, the youngest in the class , I think he was 4at the time ,needed a bit more  attention than others in the class. ( that child   is now a black belt in our club and like a son to us) Ray took him out of the circle and did a few drills with him...that was it my heart almost beat out of my chest. I was 100% in love with this man...No ifs ands or buts.



We played this "we are best friends game" for almost a year. All of this time I was training as well.

I woke up one morning and rolled over and looked at my husband and stated to get dressed. He asked where I was going...I told him to talk to my parents...He said that he was my husband and I should talk to him. I took one deep breath and turned around and looked at him and said "I want out". I am not happy I am done!!

That was it....I phoned dad who was a crisis intervention councillor  (I found out this day , that only really works if it is not your father and directly involved in the situation...who knew) came over and told me that I should get use to the fact that Ray was never going to leave his wife and I should reconsider. I told my father that regardless I knew what love now felt like and I never had those feeling for hubby #1..My father sighed and and stated that he was glad that the previous month he had paid off the other wedding...ooops..

I now refer to the first marriage as that really long date my dad paid for and we all see the humor in it.

I have trained in Martial Arts for 15 years and am totally blessed at the brotherhood it has led me too. I have a lot of fantastic memories and had great times

I have trained with some of the top names in the world


Dan Inosanto
Bart Vale
Grandmaster John Pellegrini 
Tom Sharkey
Grand Master Dion
Jean-Yves Thériault (the real ice man)

Kyoshi John Therien
 Robert Krantsz 
and 
Ron Beer


I am probably missing a few as well


I trained really hard and for many years was the only female in the school
. I went through the ranks like all of the students and did every test required. I actually did two black belt tests one in the club and the other on video that was sent to Toronto.


I was the first female black belt in our style in Nova Scotia. I also took the Gold medal in my division in Judo in the Nova Scotia Provincial tournament in 1997.


Since I opened the store I have given up training not due to injury or lack of interest but due to lack of time. 


I am realizing more and more not only how much I miss training, BUT how much I miss watching Ray teach. He mesmerizes me. His ability is like the top trainers of the world.


He is like watching a dancer , he is beautiful full of joy laughter . This is his calling. And how we fell in love.
I miss his power and grace and pinching my bum as he walks by me in class. Ths inks, the nose rubs..everything.


I made him bring home target mits the other day hopefully to inspire the both of us to train together again.


I love this and I love him.....and I miss this and I miss him.....

Licking the Wounds

I am not sure if many of you realize this, but I have been inundated with verbal slurs about my weight as long as I could understand what words meant.

There are days I look at some of the people I have" friended" on FaceBook from my past and wonder if it were better if we had a great big "Fuck Off" button for those people who taunted and tortured you in elementary and junior high school.

I can totally relate to this clip that has gone viral on the net...

I was bullied ...badly and totally understand the kid who pick up scissors and stabbed a class mate. This  just happened at Halifax West High School. My step daughter Laura actually saw a part of this..... This kid is now being charged with attempted murder...my heart bleeds for him....

I was having a particualr rough spell around 11or 12 years old when I climbed and sat on a bridge that had train tracks far below it and I sat and sat and sat . Crying ....I convinced myself not to jump that day. But there are days when peoples ignorance leads me back to that bridge and my first thoughts of suicide.

This was after a class trip of team building to the Dingle located at Flemming Park in Halifax. We had several different things we had to do in small teams to build trust and the last event  "the climax" was a trust fall where we stood on the gazebo fell backwards and our classmates would catch us.

I did not want to do this at all. I was terrified but the gym teacher convinced me to do it. I turned backwards and fell off as all the student parted like the red sea and let me fall..scream stuff about me being to fat and heavy to catch.....This is one of the worse experiences of my life.

I had no idea really what suicide was. I had lost my grandfather at this point and saw what it did to my mom and grandmother vaguely , but at 5 you do not comprehend the finality of it all ,  you just know gramps is gone and you are sad and miss your outings.

I knew I was in pain. I knew jumping could end it....but after several attempts to force up the courage to do it. I turned the other way and jumped onto the pavement and went home.

Here are some facts about that time in my life:

If I had not had a stable family and loving parents and a fun brother..I may be dead. My family were awesome and accepting of me and fun to be around

I was akward in Junior High but not fat

In grade nine I had mono so bad I almost died , by the time I reached graduation I was a whopping 115lbs at the height I am now...I was not only not fat I WAS THIN!!!!

I had one friend who most of the time she hated me and and found me socially beneath her because of her family name BUT I was her only friend.

By the time I graduated grade nine I had 3 friends...none of them got along with each other so it was a lot of one on one time.

I was only ever invited to half a dozen parties EVER (this includes neighborhood birthday parties etc)

I asked 4 guys to prom ..all turned me down so I asked a guy in grade 7 ..He was sweet though..I still have fond memories of him...but he couldn't kiss at all..sucked your whole face in his mouth...


Hardly Miss Popular!

Here are some of the names I was called in School.

Elephant
Rho-tunda
Honda ATC because it was wide in the back

and my favorite which I was called most often was Cosmic Cow based off of some show that I never saw. About a comic strip or something...

I was bullied by one particular girl from grade 1 to 9 .She made my life a living hell. Calling me names was the least of it. She hit, spit on me , stole my shit and terrorized me.

It was not until my mom was really ill that we had a conversation about things I started and never finished, it was then I told her the grizelly truth. EVERY TIME I joined something (aside from swimming which I never quit and too far for this girl to get to) this girl joined.

I joined yukalaylee . BLAM,  there she was not only was she there but when I quit, bullied me into selling her my yuk because it was different than everyone elses .

I joined Brownies and she asked that I be in her group..She was the head of that group and my 6er...So I quit that....

I joined choir to sing in our Christmas concert I had a solo , she convinced the teacher we didn't like each other and this would be a good way of getting to be friends...the 12 days of Christmas is boring and long enough BUT rehearsal with this bitch hour after hour...HOLY CRAP!!!

( Her brother introduced me to sexual assualt but that is another blog on it's own)

One day in grade eight she challenged me to a fight and I took her up on it. I could not concentrate all after noon in school. The time took forever and lets face it the Guns of Navarone was not the most interesting book anyway.

The bell rang and we went to the filed and it was on...First fight ever and the advantage , she fought with her head down.. I got in a few good shots. The teacher arrived and dragged us to the principals office. I could hear her being raked over the coals. And then I heard "this is going to be on you permanent record" and I lost it....we have records??? I am the most sensitive person you will ever meet.... my integrity even then was huge to me.

The principal along with the teacher who broke up the fight called me in next. Sat me down and he said to me "that took you long enough". I got in no trouble, no phone call home, nothing a pat on the back...This was a triumphant day for me...until I realized a few years ago relaying this story at a gathering ,  now my adult mind could understand...They knew I was being tortured for years and DID NOTHING!!!!


I have put on weight no doubt BUT here are some things that have been said to my face in the last 15 years


2 girls from jr. high in the liquor store Is that Rhonda?

Can't be she is not fat enough....

At my grandmother funeral:

Man 1 :What happened to you?
Me: Nothing why?
Man 1 : Look at you , your fat
Man 2 Yeah maybe she needs a zipper put in her mouth

I spent my grandmothers funeral crying at what someone said to me not because my grandmother was dead (she was a bitch but I am beginning to see that in new eyes as well as I get older)


Taking my daughter and friends child to the ball room

Them: Come on fat Rhonda come get us
Me: nothing
This is the angriest I have ever seen Ray at his daughter. I think they wanted to play but that cut me to the soul.

At work one day when I worked at the Berkeley doing hair

Chef: That is not going o help you!!
Me: (eatting a grapefruit with a salad beside me) What?!?
Chef: What you are eatting, I still have to get a crane in here to get you out of your chair.

At Michaels Craft store:

Little Boy : She has a huge bum
Mother: Yes she does... they went to another isle

At a Dancing gig
Teacher from another club : Hey girsl (to her troupe) want a cinnamon heart
Gil in her troupe : Hey these a big ones
Teacher looking at me in the face : I like my candy chubby...not my dancers

A guest teacher at our club

Him: Nice to see you Rhonda
Me: Awesome to see you too it's been a few years.
Him: Yeah there is about two of you to see now, you should do something about it before it is too late. Have you considered surgery.....
Me: No I am starting Zumba next week
Him: Oh a diet, well I hope it works for you..but you should think about surgurey
Me: No it is a Dance areobics class..
Him: Might want to take off a few pounds first . You don't want to have a heart attack there , that would be embarrassing.

It takes 100 positives to counteract one negative. When people cut to your soul like that I feel it is more like a million to one.

I don't want to be large. I am not happy large. I want to walk and dance and be like everyone else. I want to enjoy food and love myself and be loved

But I have to Love myself as I am now to heal and work on me.

So of these stories I have only ever shared with close friends...which by the way I am not lacking in now and I love each and every one of the for diffirent reasons.

They have always given me strength and courage to walk as who I am today.

I tend to make fun of my weight in groups of people sort of diffusing the situation . It is like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and starting the game yourself with this knowledge.

If I hurt me first then they don't get a chance to do it.

If you ever wondered why I swear like a truck driver , I was not taught this. I did not even hear my mom say the word fuck until the week before she died, and I think that was showing a weird level of acceptance towards me.

I swear because it was a protection.

I learend how to use the "f" word every way possible so people would think  I was tough and leave me "the fuck alone" and you know what , when I started grade 9 it worked kids actually started backing down.....

Fucking sad really......................

If Oprah can't do it, I'm FUCKED

This is not going to be a diet journal , though I am sure a lot of it is going to pertain to my thoughts and feelings on body issues and my weight.

 I ofeten thought of writing a book about the stuggles of  trying to get thing and then fat and then thin and then fat again.

One of my chapters was going to be "If Oprah can't do it- I'm FUCKED"

I mean seriously she has EVERYTHING at her finger tips, Money, trainers, cooks, her own show. The love of the world .......yet she is like a lot of us- a yoyo.

If I had Bob Green yelling at me at 5AM , I would be equally unimpressed as she is , BUT if I had soomeone in my kitchen that would hand me what I needed to eat in a day... all lined up (in order of time  that it should be eaten ...I am OCD) I would have this nailed!!! yes I would

I am an out of sight out of mind eater...if I can't see I don't crave or want it.....Let Me Tell you about Wal*Mart...(no that is another Blog on it's own)

I hear people in the check out line looking at Oprah's magazine

Barb- "oh Suzie doesn't she look Fantastic?"
Suzie-" Barb they use photo shop ..a lot ...I saw the show yesterday ..she's still fat............"
Barb-" But aren't her clothes nice."

Really ..Half of Japan is missing, there have been a gazillion tornaodos in the States and you are concerned about photo shop...FML...


Society's non acceptance of "large-ish" people and even my own shallow and judgemental thoughts as well is a hard pill to swallow

Face it were are brought up "fattists". There I have said it!! out in the open and for all the public to see. Yes I judge fat people. Witht the same brush most skinny shallow people would judge me...why?? Because it is the ONLY  socially acceptable, in your face judgment and predudice we not only allow but expect. AND people feel they have the right to tell you this to your face.

Lets get some of the judgements on the table these are some of the things I have been guilty of thinking as well pot meet kettle- HELLO!!!

Fat people are lazy
Fat people choose to be fat
Fat people don't excercise
Fat people sit on the couch all day and watch TV
Fat people don't like to get moving and do things
Fat people are ok to make fun of
Fat people smell
Fat people can't buy nice clothing
Fat people don't take care of themselves
Fat people don't eat healthy
Fat people eat junk food all day
Fat people have no self control
Fat People have no will power
Fat people DON"T DESERVE TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE LIKE ANYONE ELSE!!!

Why don't we really put it on the table right now

Fat people are addicted , that is right addicted to either carbs or sugar or god forbid both.


I was at my psychiatrists office on Monday talking about getting a gastric bypass. Yes going under the knife to finally get all the "fat stuff" worked out once and for all. Thinking if they cut away my shame (stomach) I may actually someday love myself , and hey if I didn't then society would because hell now I am in smaller clothes and look hot...well at least dressed anyway.

That appointment didn't go the way my inner dialog had it planed .

Me - I want surgery to get rid of this weight and live a active life again ,walk with Ray and the dog , Hike etc.

Dr.-*with magic wand in hand* ( dreamy music sets the tone) -- oh that will be lovely you will be so happy , so perfect, so loved....you will become financially successful, be able to support your household  and be revered by all as a Goddess - your business will turn around and you will be faced with success far greater than you ever dreamed possible and you my dear can quit Wal*Mart , You will be all that you ever dreamed* (end dreamy music sound here)

Reality then slapped me in the face

Dr.- Rhonda you are clinically depressed, you are not a good candidate for the surgery. Most people plunge into a very deep depression after surgery. They realize that now they cant eat, and throw up without warning. There is a risk of death...yes death and there is a symptom called dumping.this is when the body is confused at what is going on and all of a sudden your lower intestine dumps everything without warning and you well basically shit everything everywhere with no control .  You will have shakes, sweats and sometimes also pass out with warning.

Me- did you say no warning?

Dr- yes picture yourself at the cash register and then bam...crap everywhere!

Me- I am already embarrassed enough working at Wal*Mart..If I shit myself there, there is no living that one down. But what about the 3 people I know who have had it done and are doing great??

Dr.- Talk to them in 2 years , when they have either reagained the weight or have other complications...

Me- Le sigh.....

She told me most overwieght people are addicted to food. I know this becuse I spend at least every second month trying to get off of sugar and failing miserable, either the headche gets too bad or the shakes (yes shakes) or I end up out on a social occasion and blam done in.



My Dr. told me that they are now realizing that they have to treat people and detox them as the do with gambling addicts, heroin addicts and alcoholics.

Did you know sugar is as addictive as cocain in the "right brain chemistry" ?

Sugar as addictive as cocaine, heroin, studies suggest

BY ROSEMARY BLACK

DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Friday, December 12, 2008

 

It's one addiction that won't land you in court or an inpatient rehab. But sugar - as anyone who mainlines sweets can attest - can be just as habit-forming as cocaine.

Researchers at Princeton University studying bingeing and dependency in rats have found that when the animals ingest large amounts of sugar, their brains undergo changes similar to the changes in the brains of people who abuse illegal drugs like cocaine and heroin.

"Our evidence from an animal model suggests that bingeing on sugar can act in the brain in ways very similar to drugs of abuse," says lead researcher and Princeton psychology professor Bart Hoebel.

Though my Dr. knows this and tells me this, she also informed me no one around here is doing this for of treatment.

I asked if she had any suggestions and she told me to try reading the new book called the 17 day diet...

GREAT another fucking diet..I was going to buy the book then changed my mind, it is easier to eat peanut butter cups and ignore , then I went into work at Wal*Mart the other day and there is was, it just came in (thank you universe).

It looks a lot like the Simply For Life program so it should be easy to wrap my head around the principles. The hardest part is going to be cooking (working 6 days a week limits your time to do much) and of course how to cook chicken 400 different ways............

I have sat Ray down and beg an pleaded for him to help me with this and he is going to have to do some of the cooking when I am not around.....fingers crossed this is going to have to be a lifestyle change for both of us!


I feel so trapped in myself sometimes. I don't think Ray has a concept on how hard this is. I know he knows it is a struggle ...but if he could only be in my head , my body for one day and know what the cravings are like, know what the pain and sorrow is like..... I just wish he could understand that I honestly don't want to feel like this either but I do........................I know he loves me and in turn I must love me.....

but first

 off to watch Johnny Depp on Oprah...........I wonder what she is wearing